X100 The Pain

...endless cycle of pain.
My hell began before I can even remember,
memories been erased and not my own,
growing up with one to many near deaths
felt like it was a daily thing,
the man in the mirror was not me,
Year after years stacking pain and trouble,
Bullied, Shunned, outcast and rejected in anything I ever did.
Arms wide open screaming for help, no one came.
My mother thought to be to kind would help and spoil me,
she refuses to seek help for my sake.
my dad was there but always a disappointment in his eyes,
just a person hanging around that would have nothing to do with me.
So have to endure trauma after trauma all alone,
escaping into worlds where no one can reach me,
Time & space bended to my will,
the universe and fantasy was my playgrounds,
angels and demons where my next of kin.
Ever night a tear, fear creeping up and have to escape into fantasies
all to find some kind of peace, so I can sleep.

this is just my teenage years,
ontop of that here comes the darkness of the world,
having a field day with my heart and soul.
Trying to stay alive alone, quick fixes just to not to explode.
Avalanche of beatings, one step ahead 3 backward,
emotional torture that would make any demon humble.
Just lets say, Im amazed Ive not dead yet.
Even after last relation I should not been breathing,
laying on the floor head cracked and unconscious.
A total psychosis, broken heart and soul.
Still blessed one step away from death,
against odd got up myself to carry on.

Now the drums thundering,
the war within escalates x100 the pain.
Trying to find myself, who am I ???
Finally standing up for myself, face the reality.
Sort out all the fallen pieces, make me whole again.
Now I see being a father of my own,
the damage doing to my own kids from a far
they have to see there dad brought to his knees,
in hell and cant escape, can not be the father he wants to be yet.
The past, present and the future has me in a deadlock
These are some of the crosses I wear,
tears into me every awaken moment,
a total war pushing me into a corner,
that was just the tip of the iceberg.

How can you cure a lifetime of pain ?

 

Endless Dreams

...war within rages on,
 fading away trough silver linings,
my strings never heard,
yet so intuned I can feel it.
like electricity surging trough my very being,
a heart pounding with endless dreams,
I can see things most people would not believe...

urk Im going very deep today,
just waiting for the end,
having my own Bladerunner moment in the rain.
I want to create worlds and experiences so badly,
but as my life turning more and more into dust,
my inner is in constant turmoil,
everything is taken of my hands,
cant get out of it myself.

All these new possibilities to be expressive
like for instance VR seems like a great platform
I would never have my hands on it.
Each day a new idea and dream overflow
my daily life, giving birth to a thousand more.

but Ive just have to sit here see my life run trough my fingers,
all them moments I could had made,
everything just lost in the rain as no one want to help me.

BatShit Crazy

Waiting for a better day
 that someone would care & #HelpMe
is driving me stir #batshit #crazy

Not only doing this for me you know...