8/06/2018

Lost of hope

...its been several years sens the down-spiral breaking my heart and soul,
sending me, a good man into hell, a total wipeout of my life, friends and family.
Its yet feels like yesterday I was laying dying on the floor,
total psychosis after tried breaking my head against the wall.
As my upbringing had one to many traumas and issues,
I was used to never get help from anyone, have to deal with all by myself.
This time its more than my sure willpower and focus that helped me back.
What it is was, I do not know, call it higher power.

Ive come back to a sens of my former self,
that breakup supposed to be final nail in my coffin,
yet I stand here stronger than before,
but the rest of my world and life is in ashes, all alone.

Usually before there was always hope,
now living with chronic depression, dysthymia,
general anxiety disorder and deteriorating health etc
But now I fallen to far trough the cracks,
Ive litterary either just have to accept
that my past passions, dreams is dead
and live out my life in pain and utter poverty.
Let my kids just see me fall apart.

Or I can take command and fight against all odds.

As I still feel Im not here for nothing
I choose not to rollover and die ever again.
But its under the worst circumstances.

As Ive written before,
Im down to begging as last resort.
Cant work, them days are over and
my credit score blocks any types of loans.
The sick pension is just enough to pay rent
and have food for the day.

Still buying little by little to start remake my home
and the life I once was used to.
Its easier to list things I do have,
like 2 pair of pants, one pair of winter shoes
a near empty kitchen supplies, broken down
living room I dont even use anymore,
as I really dont have even a working tv.
and the list goes on of neglect,
literally all you take for granted, I need to get again.
Cant even have the kids over
or do anything with em for that matter.

As my syndromes keeps my strength very weak,
something the doctors say I just have to live with,
there is no medicine or treatment for this,
so my life right now is just barely livable.
Im alone with this.
Its just to coop with the fact,
it will take so many years to have something to call home.
Just living in slow motion to keep the strength up,
not much room for even my over creative personality
to have the necessary relief and recharge as a person.

Being creative is one of my medecins,
but it way to costly thus why Im trying so hard to get help
Trying to balance this to get back on solid ground.
From bottom of my heart, anything you can donate
if even so a few dollars helps so much.

Take care,
I will try to start vblog and keep writing also.
Sign
Erik Andersson

7/16/2018

Road Back

...long story short,
not by my own fault,
always followed my heart,
lead me cornered and fallen trough the cracks.
Lost everything, broken and in poverty, have to start over.
Due to this my health deteriorating,
getting closer and closer to hostiblized.
A life time of anxiety and syndromes upon myself.
All that can be done, been overdone.
Now living on sick pension, working days is over.
No credit and doctors say I just have to live with it.

Trying to start somewhere, get back to life,
sick pension gives you just enough to live,
does not include you have to restart your whole life
with clothes, appliances and replace most things.
Have like one pair of shoes and pants,
most of kitchen still missing, just tip of the iceberg.
I buy one thing each month, but in this speed
it will itterly take me until death to be done.
Can read more in the other posts.

So Im for help on my passions as
would give me a shot earn some extra,
smallest donation goes long way.

My desire and passion is to make my studio
and start working with Virtual Reality,
both 3d and video/stream content.
Ever sens the beginning of mankind,
we sat around the campfire and shared stories,
looked up upon the stars,
filled our hearts with wonder and dreams.

Im going now against all odds,
trying to get my feet back on the ground,
fix my home and life, get back to my passions and
reconnect with my kids, today cant even invite them..

There is links and ways to help on the right side

Here is the oculus rift
http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/50D3QFJ8BUVE

Here is another wish list to create VR live content: & stream
http://a.co/9ONGyjA

Also here is a part list to create my studio http://a.co/3pCbSaN

Thanks for taking time to hear my story

6/27/2018

setbacks

...when you think your ahead,
as always fate has a mean streak
kicking me back three steps back

All just getting worse,
ontop of everything
 now Ive also gotten edema.
 Harder go anywhere & strength to go on
Soon my shoes does not fit anymore nor even the pants,
 everything just getting worse each day.

All I can do is just sit and wait.
as I have to start over, smallest donation means a lot !




5/10/2018

Please Help

...wanting a fighting chance,
get back on my feet and start over,
build a home & have peace of mind.
Nothing more I can do but to pray and wait
so hard to try rely on others kindness alone...

My life is in shambles and rock bottom.
On top of already dealing with traumas
and long neverending unresolved issues and problems.
I sink further and further away from everything,
its my last outcry to get a footing and start over.
Due to a breakdown that lasted for 2 years after a breakup,
Ending that relationship broke me down to edge of insanity.
Manage by grace to pull myself out of it,
as result Ive lost everything,
now standing in ruins all alone.

Now ready to startover but all is in ash,
not even plates to eat on
or for that matter nothing to even cook with.
All you take for granted I dont have anymore,
Got like pair of pants & one pair of shoes,
 no television not even a micro or vacuum cleaner.
As im on sick pension only covers rent and basics.
The swedish state + social well fair wont help.

Have now chronic depression,
general anxiety disorder and more,
that doctors say I just have to live with.
Working days are over,
the pension is just for the basics to live,
not enough to start a whole new life with and start over.
Also no credit score so I cant take any forms of loans,
cant take out any form of credit cards either.

Even over a year of hard daily gym workout is gone,
was at my peak body,
now my obesity comes back with vengeance.

My 3 kids just have to see there father sink more and more.
Cant take them home or even do things with them anymore.
Ive tried it all, no way out as Im alone in this,
I was a good man and now
all just ending in either hospital, homeless or worse.

Always believe anything is possible,
Growing up, my imagination was my only escape to deal with my upbringing,
was the lonely kid who make-believe spaceships going on adventures alone.
Im an extreme over creative kind of person,
been dreaming and escaping my whole life,
When  home computers came took it to another level,
Been gaming for over 40+ years, been my escape and medecin.
Its all the social life I have left.

Always been the over creative type,
one time even been lead level designer for a game.
Now its hard to put passion into anything,
cant keep up, its to many costs, specially starting over.
Trying to get back into TwitchTv / Youtube
but everything just falling apart.

Ive cornered myself into a situation out of my control,
Its why I ask so much to get help,
rebuild my home to have solid ground,
start over and get back being creative
follow my passions and dreams.

Please help,
even small donation gives hope !

Can send direct to my bank SwedBank
 BIC : SWEDSESS   IBAN:  SE1980000816950036111557

Or direct to my PayPal

You can also help buy gifts trough Amazon
Giving me a fighting chance to earn a living
& battle my chronic depression
http://a.co/ixihRVa

Also wanting to work with VR
Creating adv & worlds for free with unity
http://a.co/asNYg8D

For contact mail:  majgubbe@gmail.com

Sign
Erik Andersson, Sweden
aKa RogueNerdy











5/09/2018

Hello, Im Erik

...Hi, Im Erik born -69 in Sweden
To write all about me would take volumes,
been there done that, jack of all trades.
got 3 great kids living with there mother.

Done all from working with robotics, restaurant chef
to running an internet cafe and lead level designer for a game.
So many jack of all trades.
Speak Swedish, English and Spanish.
always been extreme creative sens birth
either imagine, dreaming, drawing & writing
Been anything from crafting to acting,
but mostly sens little, escaping into gaming due to traumas.

Also worked with churches feeding the poor
& catering food to women's church groups,

Latest project involved in before my life turned into ash
I was leading and teaching mentally handicapped to make
there own tv-show, was an 1 year EU project.

Now Im on sick pension, working days are over.
Battling chronic depression,
General anxiety disorder and dysthymia etc

Been here done this & that, all in the name of good !
Giving back to the community doing projects
like Free christmas dinner with entertainment,
feed like over 100 people. Also done
hours of volunteer work for women's groups and churches
Ironic Now when I need Help there is no one !

Usually Im a big goofball,
to kind for my own good,
mostly care more about others than myself,
one to many dreams, visions and ideas.
Over creative and extreme passionate.
Love to test new things and push the limits.

If it where not for gaming I wont be alive,
its been my escape and medecin to coop with life
where my doctors just tells me " have to live with it."
But now I cant keep up, to much costs.

Now cornered with no way out,
financial ruin and no future at all,
force to start from scratch, life in ruin
and have no way besides help from others,
this will only lead to hospital, homeless or worse.
all my time takes just to hold on, survive all alone.
Trying to restart my whole life under worst circumstances

After all that happened
obesity came back with vengeance,
all that gym work & ideal body just gone..
So not much new pictures or videos made,
just lost the will to love the man in the mirror,
but here is the latest.



2/01/2018

Billion Dollar Dream Bucket List

...So if one could dream freely, unlimited funds,
here are parts of my billion dollar bucket list

- Get funding/donations & sponsorships
(to complete my bucketlist and do even more)

- Get my life back from rock bottom
- Get back my ideal body again away from obesity
- Fix my appearance
- make my home again
(all from furniture to utilities and deco)
- all the clothes I need
- take my kids on vacations
- create my studio
- Start creating YT again
- Work with VR (create free adv with unity etc)
- Design my own free games & adventures
- write my books
- make my art & crafts
- play d&d campaigns 
- Design a clothing line
- design own boardgame/cardgame
- explore & share (vlog) what first class is all about
(all from living,vanity to travel & products etc)
- Design my own low end smartphone
- design low end allinone vr helmet & gear
- Experience other cultures everyday foods
- explore worlds amusement parks
- soul food journey east to west usa
- Make and taste ancient foods
- reenact living different timelines
  ( from roman, midevel castle to midwest & scifi )
- reenact survivor alone on an island
- design my own amusement ride/parks
- tour worlds amusement parks
- Go to comicon with my kids
- Go to E3 with my kids
- Visit ancient temples and mysteries
- Go ghost hunting
- create music / make album
- More roles in either movie / tv-series
- Work & Learn within movie industry
- Produce my own movie
- Travel and experience live as Eskimos, indians
  and many more cultures and time frames.
- Travel up to space
- Flown in a fighter jet plane
- Experience weightlessness
- go where no man gone before
- explore caves and grotto's
- experience authentic old pirate ship
- Swim with dolphins
- experience shark cage
- north pole
- walk where no man walked before
- walk & explore in the jungle
- walk among an active volcano
- explore the pyramids (sleep inside)
- Safari
- wander and camp in the desert
- explore cities/places/things that rarely shown in media
- Design and produce my own music spectacle
- Design own fireworks show
- create toys / robots
- Experience a submarine
- Try private jet
- Design my own nightclub
- Enjoy casino slots & ticket arcades in different countries
- Enjoy mega yachting
- Coral diving
- meet aliens
- my own emotion expo & interactive art
- Start a charity ticket arcade
(all profits goes direct to charity)
- Create or fund a program Home for everyone (tiny ergo housing for homeless)
- Create trust fund / care packages to aid gamers/youtubers/dreamers in need
   (sets with camera,greenscreen,lights,mic and literature etc)
- fund & help the fields of robotics / ai / space
- Fund and run feed the poor programs ( ex pay there grocery bill etc)
- Inspire and speech
- explore, Invest and aid ventures to push humankind forward
- find love & marry

And the list goes on and on,
Like walter mitty, I have to much dreams & things todo...