darkest low

...loosing the warwithin

in love with Ai

 ...Ai is getting good,
first try making my own ai music.

Heart failure

 .... last months in and out of the emergency rooms
and ambulances on sirens, heart failure and doctors scratches there heads.

Fate or someone having fun on my expense,
not enough that Im heartbroken
in Personal hell crawling in ashes all alone....?

 

Even more...sigh

 ...it just piling up,
trying to keep my multi diagnosis in check while
ontop having permanent edema and diabetes
now also extra heavy medicated and investigations for heart murmur,
was in the emergency room 3 times already.
If thats not enough my teeth is acting up cant afford it to fix it,
so just fuels all my already conditions.
Now the fucking state will start to foreclosure on my sick pension,
that is already strained by all extra monthly costs from all of the above,
to the point I cant not live for the month.

Emergency !

 ...yet another nosedive, real #Heart trouble,
two days on intensive emergency heart care, 
health deteriorating #feelsbadman
losing everything...

//even had to make an emergency dental operation,
everything is piling up and now Im broke....

everything piling up, getting permanent and chronic,
its all from edema, diabetes to chronic depression, gad and more disorders.
Over ten types of medicines and remedies to add on to rest of my life, as it seems.
Now also deteriorating dental and heart issues, waiting for extensive referrals.
As doctors just states "there is something wrong" and leaves me with that.

Now the last slap in the face, also needed a apnea testing & solution,
the referral came today saying, I will get an appointment in 12 months.

Goodbye Mama

 ...my mother recently killed herself, goodbye mama

Updates

 ...lot has changed, not necessarily for the better,
the chronic depression and rest of diagnoses does not go away,
still trapped in personal hell, constant warwithin, cant find escape or relief.

Got sponsored by the local care unit with an edema strain wraps system,
yet another thing I have to just live with for the rest of my life.
Slowly keeping my newly diagnoses of diabetes in check,
meds and more meds... Piles up with other symptoms like edema.

Aftermath of the total breakdown, suicide attempt and psychoses,
took living in misery for 7 years, then got help of my kids to break the circle,
changed apartment to start from scratch, most thrown away & clothes on my back.
Now still deteriorating health due not having relief and time to heal,
everything just piling up, already multiple persistent chronic disorders,
just something doctors say I have to balance and just live with...
Still alone trying to make a home for myself, restart my life,
 get a social life back up to start heal for once.
Hopefully also get back being a creator again

One positive, gifted bit more clothes from my kids, sure warms my heart.

Part from begging on socialmedia during these 7 years,
recently also tried to have a gofundme, no avail there either.

As mentioned got zero credit score, living on existence minimum, sick pension.
My working days are over, just trapped, only way out is kindness of others.

I keep fighting alone in the dark, trying to reach out.
One way to help, let me have better tools to coop and create,
can gift buy trough Amazon
 https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1I7ZODE7PN4MT?ref_=wl_share
Also trough Amazon Sweden
https://www.amazon.se/hz/wishlist/ls/BBU3LJU2PS70?ref_=wl_share 

There is also on the right ontop of the blog, links to my paypal and wiretransfer. 

Please Help

Please help, 
...managed to get out of my previous home,
was a 7+ years destructive cycle of misery, despair & psychosis,
a bit more and I had not been alive today.

Was unwilling at first and to ashamed
to ask them closest to me for help.
In the end, my own kids salvaged me out that existence

Now trying to restart again from scratch.
got myself an one room apartment with kitchen
Got the bare minimum to restart, still so much missing.
Still only have a pair of shoes, one pants and couple of shirts
To my already long list of syndromes such as Dysthymia,
anxiety disorder, socialfobia and other disorders,
as in my case, no cures, doctors say I just have to cope and live with

Im 52, I have no credit score and my working days are over,
 basically Im screwed
and so new things keeps piling up, taking me away from relief & dreams.
Living of sick pension, here its existential minimum,
its for someone who already had a living,
not for one starting over or get back out of rock bottom.

Aftereffects of the misery I got severe form of edema,
is body cant retain the water to legs and feet swell up.
And as that was not enough,
 I recently also got diagnosed diabetes type 2,
just one thing after another. Cant catch a break.

My overcreative side of me, yearns to escape & create,
get back being a creator again, but no avail yet.
I imagine myself creating free VR explorational and adventurous worlds
Ongoing evolving metaverses, social sandboxes to create safe havens,
its not to play the game, rather it is to live the game, a place to call home.

But as before, even more so now, I have to let all that go,
can not afford any of the tools or tech needed to keep up,
even though thats the remedy and medicine for everything.

My sick pension just keeps me barely alive, just soothing my illnesses.
I keep seeking help and donations, but 7 years of struggle Im getting tierd...

Can help donating trough paypal

https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=XKFFZMWZ7TTCC

bless Thanks in advance.

more setbacks

...after 3 years trying get out of this hell
only more and more setbacks comes my way

to the Dad I never had
He just died today 2019 R.I.P

 Dont know how to say goodbye
 Never knew you as I should
Was a family yet never to close