more setbacks

...after 3 years trying get out of this hell
only more and more setbacks comes my way

to the Dad I never had
He just died today 2019 R.I.P

 Dont know how to say goodbye
 Never knew you as I should
Was a family yet never to close

Storyteller

....growing up with a lot of traumas, bullied
and one to many near death experiences and no help from no one.
I was an alone child, escaping into fantasy and make believe,
This was pre-internet, well pre-anything
only two chairs with a blanket, handful of cardboard
I drew gauges,buttons and monitors,
with my own made maps and log book, Im off into the universe.

Im an extreme high sensitive and empathy type of person,
with an over creative mind that never stops,
sens I can remember always fallen asleep making up fantasies,
still do until this day, my mind never rest.

Now everything is against me,
life, economy, health, heart, faith and soul.
I lost everything, standing in ashes of my existence,
due to an extreme hard breakup, ended up in psychosis & near death
Now alone, been trying to find solutions for 3 years, its just getting worse.
Have no way out unless someone helps me.

Besides my 3 kids, being creative makes me happy,
reminds me being lead level designer 20 years ago.
all from being a youtube creator, streaming games or even making them,
but my working days is over & Im 47 years old.
Diagnosed chronic depression, general anxiety disorder etc etc etc
(doctors just say thats something I just have to live with)

Now barely surviving with sick pension,
have no credit score, cant borrow anything,
trying to get back to my dreams and passions
ontop of dealing with restarting once whole life
and build a home from scratch again,
only thing left is rely on kindness of others.

I miss most of my clothes, have like a one  pants & clothes each,
a bare kitchen with not even plates to eat on
and a broken living room that I haven't used in years,
all just broken need to be replaced, not even got a working tv.

Just as the rest of my life, need to replace everything,
Depression is in full swing as I cant even invite my 3 kids to eat
or watch tv and play games, D&D or anything..

Last dream - A family

 ...all though my chronic diagnosis and personal hell,
on top of deteriorating health and try restarting my life, 
seemingly no way out, living only of sick pension,
my bucket list narrows down to a single dream.

Own or lease my own land by the lake,
design and build my own mini modern house.
Retire there and start to heal for once in peace,
away from city life, back to basics & nature.

Started to design a bit,
as Im not an architect, measurements is way off. 
Its a minimalistic living besides a wish to have
 2x2x1.5m pool (more a little float tank)
accompanied with a small 2 people sauna.
Rest of house is very compact,
with a wide raised summer deck reaching out over the water.

All comes down to, when was I the most happy?
Besides each birth of my 3 kids and time with them.
One other thing stands out, 
living with my grandparents as a kid on my summer vacations.
they lived out on an island surrounded of the most luciousius archipelago,
every moment was an adventure in my own created worlds.
Only time I felt free, at peace and at home growing up.
Could even just be a classic swedish red falu house by the sea,
here is a random picture to get a general idea.

The bigger dream and prefibel of this is to own it with my kids,
we come together, plant our flag, build a living for all of us,
even if so in separate houses, be a family again, secured for generations to come..