Lost of hope

...its been several years sens the down-spiral breaking my heart and soul,
sending me, a good man into hell, a total wipeout of my life, friends and family.
Its yet feels like yesterday I was laying dying on the floor,
total psychosis after tried breaking my head against the wall.
As my upbringing had one to many traumas and issues,
I was used to never get help from anyone, have to deal with all by myself.
This time its more than my sure willpower and focus that helped me back.
What it is was, I do not know, call it higher power.

Ive come back to a sens of my former self,
that breakup supposed to be final nail in my coffin,
yet I stand here stronger than before,
but the rest of my world and life is in ashes, all alone.

Usually before there was always hope,
now living with chronic depression, dysthymia,
general anxiety disorder and deteriorating health etc
But now I fallen to far trough the cracks,
Ive litterary either just have to accept
that my past passions, dreams is dead
and live out my life in pain and utter poverty.
Let my kids just see me fall apart.

Or I can take command and fight against all odds.

As I still feel Im not here for nothing
I choose not to rollover and die ever again.
But its under the worst circumstances.

As Ive written before,
Im down to begging as last resort.
Cant work, them days are over and
my credit score blocks any types of loans.
The sick pension is just enough to pay rent
and have food for the day.

Still buying little by little to start remake my home
and the life I once was used to.
Its easier to list things I do have,
like 2 pair of pants, one pair of winter shoes
a near empty kitchen supplies, broken down
living room I dont even use anymore,
as I really dont have even a working tv.
and the list goes on of neglect,
literally all you take for granted, I need to get again.
Cant even have the kids over
or do anything with em for that matter.

As my syndromes keeps my strength very weak,
something the doctors say I just have to live with,
there is no medicine or treatment for this,
so my life right now is just barely livable.
Im alone with this.
Its just to coop with the fact,
it will take so many years to have something to call home.
Just living in slow motion to keep the strength up,
not much room for even my over creative personality
to have the necessary relief and recharge as a person.

Being creative is one of my medecins,
but it way to costly thus why Im trying so hard to get help
Trying to balance this to get back on solid ground.
From bottom of my heart, anything you can donate
if even so a few dollars helps so much.